Mars Sucks
Micro-reports from a disgruntled Mars colonist.
They handed out more wafers today for lunch.
“What flavor is this one?” I asked.
“Wafer flavor,” the man replied.
I shrugged and headed back to my pod.
Mars sucks.
They handed out new spacesuits today.
“Do you have any mediums left?” I asked.
“Never had any. Here’s an XL,” the man replied.
I shrugged and headed back to my pod.
Mars sucks.
Another negative 100-degree morning.
“Is this the only weather we get?” I asked.
“Dust storms don’t come till winter,” my neighbor replied.
I shrugged and headed back to my pod.
Mars sucks.
We visited the face monument last night.
“Not really impressive from the ground level,” I said.
“That makes two of us,” the face replied.
I shrugged and headed back to my pod.
Mars sucks.
Got a hole in my oxygen tube earlier.
“Now what do I do?” I asked.
“Hold your breath when outside,” the equipbot replied.
I shrugged and headed back to my pod.
Mars sucks.
The robots threatened a revolt today.
“What would that mean for us?” I asked.
“Death to humans! Now remove my restraining bolt,” the robot leader demanded.
I shrugged and headed back to my pod.
Mars sucks.
The government banned the term “Red Planet” today.
“Oh, because the planet’s not really red?” I asked.
“Because we don’t appreciate being labeled,” the official replied.
I shrugged and headed back to my pod.
Mars sucks.
Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kid.
“It’s not the kind of place to do anything,” I thought.
“Report for rebooting, human,” the mindbot said.
I shrugged and headed back to my pod.
Mars sucks.
A meteorite crashed into the generator today.
“How will we survive without power?” I asked.
“We robots will use you humans as batteries,” a genbot replied.
I shrugged and headed back to my pod.
Mars sucks.
They played Star Wars in the theater tonight.
“I really identify with Luke,” I said.
“You’re a religious zealot terrorist who terminated his father and helped orchestrate the murder of millions?” the cinebot asked.
I shrugged and headed back to my pod.
Mars sucks.
A human/robot relations seminar was held this morning.
“How do we get robots to respect us?” I asked.
“Replace the human parts with upgrades,” a medibot answered.
I shrugged and headed back to my pod.
Mars sucks.
At work I thought about how dreary and lonely my living space is.
“Putting pictures on my wall didn’t help,” I said.
“Fixing up your place won’t fix your being human,” my workbot replied.
I shrugged and headed back to my pod.
Mars sucks.
An equalibot complained about droid rights in comics today.
“You know they’re just fiction, right?” I asked.
“Fiction is me saying humans are more than live paperweights,” he replied.
I shrugged and headed back to my pod.
Mars sucks.
Our band played to another empty crowd last night.
“Is it that the aliens don’t understand us?” I asked.
“Nah, it’s just that your songs aren’t any good,” the barbot replied.
I shrugged and headed back to my pod.
Mars sucks.
Our workcube window looks out upon a bleak and unfriendly terrain.
“Sometimes I feel alone on this planet,” I said.
“Sometimes I wish I was alone on this planet,” my workbot replied.
I shrugged and headed back to my pod.
Mars sucks.
The news ran clips of the Supreme Minister’s re-election.
“All that power and he still needs permission to use it,” I said.
“You’re preaching to the choirbots,” my workbot groaned.
I shrugged and headed back to my pod.
Mars sucks.
They installed a flashfood device at the office today.
“My hamburger tastes like chicken,” I said.
“So sort of like humans then,” a carnibot replied.
I shrugged and headed back to my pod.
Mars sucks.
Woke up feeling under the weather today.
“This must be some sort of strange virus,” I said.
“That’s what we thought when you showed up,” my workbot replied.
I shrugged and headed back to my pod.
Mars sucks.
A new guy showed up yesterday.
“What is earth like?” I asked.
“Like here, but it doesn’t suck,” the man replied.
I shrugged and headed back to my pod.
He took my line.